10. AT YOUR OWN RISK
Victim: Alla Kostromichev
Perpetrators: Solve Sundsbo, Vogue Italia Beauty
Source: Vogue Italia Beauty, September 2009 Issue
Pain Rank: 2/10
This may not look like a particularly painful pose and it doesn't even feel like one, if you try it. However, if you actually do decide to imitate the posture, be it at home, at your desk in the office, or outside in the street, it won't take longer than 10 seconds for you to experience an incredibly profound feeling of being a complete idiot. Now imagine that there are people out there who actually believe this is profound, transfer their beliefs to girls like Alla Kostromichev and to prove it all pay cash. Mental injuries can be much easier to sustain than physical ones, and much more difficult to cure. Cracker, anyone?
9. SELECTED SEATING
Victim: Eddie Klint
Perpetrators: Rasmus Skousen, Selected
Source: Selected Homme Fall/Winter 2009 Advertising Campaign
Pain Rank: 3/10
A wonderful example that fashion is not always about awkward, inconceivable poses, detached from the real life. After all the above photo is nothing but exactly how every one of us normally behaves when we decide to sit down, when we want to just rest a little, after strolling around in our refined clothing. One edge of the seat precisely stuck up his behind for a good fixture, while the other gently grazes the back in a moment of peace and effortless relaxation.
8. VERTICAL SPLITS
Victim: Sid Ellisdon
Perpetrators: Jolijn Snijers, I Love Fake Magazine
Source: I Love Fake Magazine
Pain Rank: 4/10
We presume he is holding onto something, nevertheless it requires some stamina. In India they call this Parivrtta Ardha Chandrasana, in the Western world they call it fashion.
7. AGAICNELAB
Victim: Jennifer Connelly
Perpetrators: Steven Meisel, Balenciaga
Source: Balenciaga Fall/Winter 2009-2010 Advertising Campaign
Pain Rank: 4/10
This campaign gained a lot of attention and many noticed the awkward geometry that Mr Meisel tried to impose on Jennifer Connelly. If there was a contest for the "World's Most Uncomfortable-Looking Position On The Sofa", we'd know where to place our bets. But while our...uhm... interns are still looking for that contest, we're encouraging all readers to check out the interview with Jen, from which you'll learn more about her pain.
6. TOY SOLDIER
Victim: Karlie K
Perpetrators: Craig McDean, Vogue Italia
Source: Vogue Italia, September 2009 Issue
Pain Rank: 5/10
You have to admire Karlie K for determination and poise on this otherwise peculiar pose. Certainly the British photographer Craig McDean, now located in New York, in his childhood spent too much time observing members of the Royal British Guard (You know, those funny looking men in red outfits with big black furry hats). Today he doesn't have to chase soldiers anymore, he is one of the perpetrators who create them.
5. GYM-NASTY-CS
Victims: Suvi Koponen & Hanne Gaby Odiele
Perpetrators: Paola Kudacki, Purple Magazine
Source: Purple Magazine #12, September 2009
Pain Rank: 6/10
Yearning for medieval tortures, collection of bondage gear kept deep in the closet, midlife crisis, sly nod to Fashion Week afterparties, too much time spent at David Barton Gym: each (or all) of the above surely applies to the people who came up with this widely discussed September 2009 photoshoot for Purple Magazine. Since it was a long time ago when the world got over an idea that to have teen models rubbing against their own vaginas is actually wrong, now the world can focus entirely on the issue of where the aforementioned vaginas can be prominently exposed. The pain must have been intense, especially for the model strapped under the ceiling like a piece of raw beef at 4AM in the Meatpacking District (figures). And as much as I Hurt I Am In Fashion would like to sympathize about the sore muscles, we can't, because, it's not like they didn't go to the gym.
And if you thought you've seen it all:
4. BACK-BENDING
Victim: Dree Hemingway
Perpetrators: Inez van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin, Purple Magazine
Source: Purple Magazine #12, September 2009 Issue
Pain Rank: 6/10
To pull off a good back bend is difficult enough, but to pull off a good naked back bend - well, that calls for respect. Dree Hemingway is the great-granddaughter of the Hemingway, you know, the one who wrote about the guy chasing a giant marlin. Who knows, perhaps the photographers Inez van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin wanted to remind of the famous novel. Fashion in service of literature? Oh yeah.
3. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP
Victim: Constance Jablonski
Perpetrators: Craig McDean, Interview Magazine
Source: Interview Magazine, September 2009 Issue
Pain Rank: 7/10
We're not sure which of the three - Constance Jablonski, Craig McDean or Interview Magazine - shares passion for boxing. Undoubtedly, at least one of the parties must be a fan. And little do we care that for the most part it is make-up that gives her face an impression of a squashed tomato. It is after all somewhat upsetting that nowadays you don't have to turn on ESPN to see smashed faces. Fashion magazines will suffice.
2. WTF?
Victim: Taryn Davidson
Perpetrators: Max Cardelli, Marie Claire Italy
Source: Marie Claire Italy, September 2009 Issue
Pain Rank: 8/10
This is perhaps the weirdest looking thing we've ever seen. It is difficult to judge whether she got tasered or paid a million bucks - we don't see any other possible explanation to act like a monkey for a magazine called Marie Claire. Or any other. Surely we fill sorry for Taryn Davidson that I Hurt I Am In Fashion is only so young that she never had a chance to recognize the absurdity of the situation. We also feel sorry for Max Cardelli that he ended up with bosses who accept this kind of work, placing the former among the most cruel perpetrators of the fashion world. Anyhow, if you ever hear someone saying that this is actually cool, or hot, or that's what fashion is all about, don't hesitate to tell them it looks dumb. You can blame it on us.
1. THAT HAND...
Victim: Hanne Gaby Odiele
Perpetrators: Lachlan Bailey, Sandro
Source: Sandro Advertising Campaign Fall/Winter 2009
Pain Rank: 9/10
The horror of this image strikes when least expected. Sandro's advertising campaign has not been publicized on the Internet and only a handful of websites and blogs ran the shots. Among the reasons could be little recognition for the brand or the photography itself. There is not much to it.
Having said this, we look at the girl in the ad (which takes three seconds), we acknowledge the roof and The City (that's another two), we yawn (that would be seven altogether) and the moment we're ready to move forward, almost involuntarily we make eye contact with her wrist.
That wrist is screaming for help. After closer examination our imagination starts to kick in, we actually notice the thin contour of the arms under the black sleeves and what used to be just another ad from one of NYC rooftops turns into a story about the girl with abnormally twisted wrists that rather than saying "She's a Bikram Yoga guru" is more illustrative of "She's seriously sick".
For what we know, never try this at home. Never.
